“Nothing is so painful to the human mind as a great and sudden change.” Mary Shelley
Don't take this quote in the wrong way! The changes that I face in the next few weeks are from the most beautiful and wonderful gift that any woman can be given, the gift of becoming a mother. But all the same, the changing of one's life is never an easy thing. The death of one role and the birth of another is something that makes us nervous, forces us to move forward, challenges us and shapes who we will become.
This year is the year of big changes for me. My husband and I decided in March that it was time to start a family, and a month later in April we found out that we were expecting! We were excited, scared, nervous, overjoyed and terrified all at the same time.
Now here at the end of my pregnancy, I'm facing the reality of all the HUGE changes that are about to happen for us as a family and more importantly for me as a woman. This blog is an attempt to put into words my journey of How I Became A Mother.
I am over 37 weeks pregnant and expecting a boy. His name is Chase Levi Pope and my husband and I are thrilled to welcome our first child into the world on the possible due date of December 17th. I was working as a teller at State Employees Credit Union, where i'd been employed for 6 years when we made the decision to start our family. After discussing the cost of day care, insurance and the costs that go along with having a child in daycare, Justin and I made the decision that I would stay at home with our son.
I come from a divorced family, while my husbands parents have been married over 35 years and I have to say when we made the decision for me to stay at home, I was pretty nervous. I felt vulnerable and nervous about being financially dependent on my husband after being in the work force since I was 16. But at the same time, I knew that I wanted to be home with my child more than anything. I am blessed with a very financially wise husband who has worked vigorously the entirety of our three year marriage to put us in a "zero debt" position. With my car being paid off in the month of November, no credit card debt, and a tremendous amount of equity in our home that allowed us to refinance and lower the payment by more than half, we were actually in a position to go down to one income without causing financial strain or stress on us as a family.
At 36 weeks I went in on a Tuesday to see my doctor for my weekly checkup. They'd been hinting that they wanted to slow down my progression and were considering pulling me out of work early, but I never really thought I'd be pulled out of work before my due date or delivery date. I had let my boss know that I would not be coming back after my allowed maternity leave time and everything was on schedule. When I went in on that Tuesday my doctors made the decision to pull me out at 36 weeks for the remainder of my pregnancy due to swelling, losing 3 pounds from the previous week, and being dilated 1 cm and effaced 40% for the second consecutive week.
That's when everything really hit me.... Before I could really absorb it, I was packing up my things, counting my cash drawer, calling HR to let them know i'd be going out early, and saying goodbye to the girls I'd worked with for the past six years. Now here I am, at 37 weeks, adjusting to being a full time at home wife and soon to be mother. Actually seeing my husband, talking to him and having the ability to be around him more than two short days a week. Our schedules have always been opposite and for the past three years i've struggled with loneliness, frustration and isolation because our time together was so limited. Now, being at home I have the freedom to FINALLY see my husband without a schedule getting in the way. It has been fantastic! Any fear of letting go of my job has been dissolved by the many wonderful parts of being at home full time.
My life has changed dramatically in the last week and a half and it's still yet to change any day now exponentially. I am on the precepice of becoming a mother and in that moment when I finally see my son for the first time, hold him and smell him, I know I will be breathless and madly in love. I go through moments of nerves and then others when I can barely comprehend the sheer awesomeness that i'm approaching giving birth to my child. As frightening to the human nature as change can be, the expectation of giving life to my own child is even more powerful and wonderful. I know that I am blessed beyond measure and that there are so many wonderful things ahead of me.
So, I'd like to invite you to follow me on this journey. To follow me through sleepless nights, tears, laughter and sheer joy. To join in on the passage of a girl letting go of the last threads of her own youth and picking up the needle to weave the tapestry of my son's. This is a journey that I know will change me, mold me, test me and in the end make the person i'm meant to become. I would truly love to share it with all of you!
Wow! That was moving and yes, it does sneak up on you. I will never forget right before I had my oldest, Jeffrey. We had just rescued a dog and had her less than a week and I had already been pulled out of work due to my own swelling and being in pain trying to still work. I had an appt at 3:45 that afternoon and I'd been at home with the dog all day who was still adjusting to her new home. I prepared to go out the door to the hospital and patted her little head and told her I'd see her after my appt. Little did I know that I'd be sent to the hospital because of my blood pressure and swelling. After 24 hours of observation, they told me I had a lot of protein in my urine and I could either come back at 8 in the morning to test my BP again or I could stay at the hospital and be induced in the morning. I chose the induction. Long story short, I didn't make it back home until Sunday and had little Jeffrey in my arms rather than my belly. I had left that little dog on Wednesday for what I thought would be a few hours only to return home 4 days later with my baby. My joke has always been that I left Sassy telling her I'd be back in a few hours and I finally returned 4 days later with (in her mind) a loud, wiggly human that took her attention. She hasn't completely gotten it back since. Anyway, yes, you are about to experience a huge change but I love the way you've embraced it and you already know it's going to change even more. I can tell you're going to love it though. And when you're up at crazy hours or going through some of the roller coaster ride that motherhood is, remember, you've got lots of us out here. Your blogs are great and I look forward to lots more!
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